Note: If you are incapable of detecting sarcasm within honesty, this may be a bit rough for you. ;P
We all love the people who know everything, and want to tell you all about it, right? What’s not to love about condescending tones and looks of disapproval if your thoughts, beliefs, and views are different? They’re awesome. And what about opinionated people?
I’m they’re even more awesome! What these people have going for them (I say going for them because it takes a shit-ton of confidence to be this way) is the ability to believe.
Believe that they know ABSOLUTELY everything.
About everything. They can explain anything to you, because they have all the facts. Which allows them to have theories. Which they use to form their opinions. Theories and opinions are not the same. That’s common misconception #1 about opinions. #2?
Opinions are like assholes.
Everybody has one. Wrong again, suckahs. There are people born without anuses. Oh, and take my advice on this – do not look this up yourself. People ask some really strange questions online. So anyway, as a lot of us have been annoyed lately by the “I could never be wrong!” people, but still feel we want to open up discussions among friends, I have decided to bestow upon you my theories about life.
The theories that I know everything.
If you caught that, it translates to: I took facts to form a theory that I know everything. When actually, by using such a scientific word like theory, I am distracting from the fact that these are actually my opinions, even though I used the word fact earlier in the sentence. Look, if you’re not getting this, I can’t help it if you’re not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Do try to keep up.
Trends are making people depressed.
Specifically, color. So here I’m going to whip out some knowledge I do actually have. A requirement for an interior design degree is color theory. Duh. I loved this class. We had to do a paper, and I chose to do mine on how color effects mood. Surprise, surprise – gray makes people depressed. What color has been trending the last few years? Gray. We’re buying gray cars and gray clothes, painting every damn room in the house gray, then making sure our big pillows and other decor match. We are surrounding ourselves with a prison color. Don’t get me wrong, I actually like using the color. In moderation. A tile here, a shade of on the walls of one room there. But, I would love to see a study done on what would happen in a household where it looks like the color gray threw up, and they redid it in yellow.
People argue about what they fear the most.
The next time somebody is in a heated debate with you or others, see what happens if you read between the lines. I tend to refrain from arguing with people about stuff because of this. Not that I don’t want to deal with their fears. It’s that I don’t want to argue the facts that you’re going to throw at me when I’ve formed an opinion based on the facts that I know, plus my fears. You will never hear me rooting for universal health care. The fact part is where I’ve learned in way too many Type 1 diabetes forums that people who live in countries with it have a very hard time getting approved for the supplies (insulin pump at top of list) that I rely on to keep me living longer. So all your facts that you find to throw at me about the pros of universal health care will not change my viewpoint, because I fear enough every day that this diabetes will kill me before I see my kids get married. I hope that makes sense, and maybe opens your eyes a bit the next time you’re in a heated discussion with someone, and they just can’t agree with your point of view.
If we stopped obsessing about weight loss, more people would lose weight.
We’re a food-obsessed country, for sure. Diet obsessed,too. When it’s all we hear about every day, we just can’t get food out of our heads. Which makes us want to eat. I’m curious what would happen if we went a month without anyone talking about weight or dieting, how many people would actually lose weight, or at least stop gaining.
If everyone had to write down everything they say and do…
And then show it to their grandmother, there would be less a-holes running amuck.
Wine should come in juice boxes.
Any mom who’s been to their kid’s sporting event knows that this is just damn practical, and we would be more tolerant of the zillions of activities they are involved in. Your turn to bring snacks next week, right? Don’t forget our juice boxes! Occasionally a kid may get confused and grab one. (Shrugging shoulders)
If insurance coverage keeps getting worse, complications and death will occur more often.
Another duh, right? Our coverage has become so bad over the last few years, even with paying more. We now are not allowed to tell our doctor anything that is concerning or bothering us, any symptoms, or even discuss pre-existing conditions at our annual check-up, or we now will have to pay full price, everything out of pocket, for visit. This is when a lot of people benefit from a diagnosis. Oh well, I’m sure there won’t be that many people who die because they only go to the doc once a year to go over everything. The best part? The uprise in deaths and complications will be blamed on America just getting fatter and lazier.
Parenting classes before having kids would be useless.
How many times have you heard “You should have to take a class to have kids”? Pointless. If you’re going to do everything a stranger tells you to when it comes to raising your kids, everybody’s screwed anyway. It may close parents off from using their instincts.
Docs should have to go through simulation for their specialty.
Let the fancy scientists and researchers find a way to simulate chronic conditions, then as part of their schooling doctors would have to live like that for a month. I guarantee it changes the way most treat and/or “treat” their patients.
Every middle school student should have to watch a video of their parents at their funeral.
I don’t think it would matter that not every person is the greatest actor in the world. If you gather mom, dad, grandparents, best friend, and put them through a mock funeral, they’re going to cry. Make kids sit through this. Maybe some of them would value human life a little more. You know, realize that people have families, and death is permanent. Shouldn’t have to point these things out, but obviously..
They should do yearbooks at workplaces.
Okay, this may just be from my aggravation over my aging brain, and there’s no theory involved. I thought I’d throw out this idea to see if anyone else thinks it may save them a little crazy when they can’t remember that name of that guy that they worked with 25 yrs ago, that was such a good friend. You know, the one with the eyes, and the hair?
There should be no sizes on adult clothing.
What’s the point? A 300 lb woman can now fit in a size 2. Or 12, or 36, depending on the clothing line. Yes, I get it. People will buy your clothes if it makes them feel like they wear the same size as a super model. But, since you never know brand to brand, you still have to try them on. So what’s the point in sizing them at all? It will save clothing manufacturers so much time not putting sizes on that maybe they can spend it volunteering for a charity? I think we should try it and see if we don’t notice increased charity work. Or they could spend it at the bar. Totally their business.
Those black discs in ear lobes to stretch them out should be banned.
Again, I have absolutely no reason for this. I just think they’re ridiculous.
If parking spaces were wider, we’d spend more time at the store buying and it would increase the economy.
For the love of Pete!, there are more trucks, vans and SUVs on the road than ever, but nobody is increasing parking space size! How many times have you gone into a store pissed off because there was barely enough room to get out of the car? Much less get kids out. The more pissed off I am, the less time I’ll spend in the store. I’m also worrying about the guy next to me banging my ride up with his car door, so I want to get it home to the safety of my garage.
People would be happier if they would just allow their sense of humor to fly free every once in a while.
I’m sorry, but my very odd sense of humor is how I cope with life. Sometimes it really helps to laugh in the face of even the shittiest things. Are you seriously breaking some rule as a human being and member of society if you laugh at that political meme? If it’s funny, just laugh, which lowers your stress level, which improves your health. It doesn’t mean you can’t go back to arguing the points in said meme later in the day.
If more churches offered service later in the day, more people would go to church.
Holiday season needs to go back to starting the day after Thanksgiving before we can’t tell the difference between Christmas and Easter.
That’s all for now. I will have amassed many more theories by the end of the day, but I’ll give you guys a break and just talk to Jackpot about them before bed. He knows what he signed up for. Speaking of signing up, don’t forget to enter your email address below so I can send you a message when I post something new!
What are your miscellaneous theories on life? When I say I’d love to hear them, I really mean it! Leave them in the comments below. If I get enough I may start featuring them on my Facebook page! 🙂
Note: I should probably disclose that on a regular basis now I run on about 3 hrs sleep a night. If you ever need a helpful opinion on something, I’m more than happy to be there for you. Just expect, that as in the above examples, I may only make sense half of the time.
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