There are so many values to teach our children, right? Empathy can be a hard one for little ones, who so often believe the world revolves around their behinds only. You may believe that empathy wouldn’t be something discussed in our house, if you read Our Family Suck-It Bucket. I thought maybe I should follow that one up. I don’t want us to look like total heartless bastages.
Empathy is something that I was brought up knowing, and more importantly, understanding. My brothers and I were told often to show empathy, and reminded the difference between that and sympathy. Jackpot – not so much. He admits to being brought up in a more “it’s all about me” household. He, by nature, wants to help others. That’s just who he is. But, he has a hard time putting himself in someone else’s shoes. That has changed over the years, as it is stressed more and more in our household. This first-hand experience leads me to believe that in the fight of nature vs. nurture, when it comes to empathy, nurture wins. We CAN bring up children who can put themselves in someone else’s position, and want to help, even in this God-forsaken selfie society.
Now, here’s where the fine line is: Teaching them that life isn’t always fair, and you have to throw some things in the suck-it bucket, and at the same time teaching them to consider how they would feel in someone else’s unfair situation. Should the other people suck it up, or should they do all they can to help? Realistically, there is no way to teach a young child how to discern the difference. What we can do, is to use every opportunity we find to show them how to act in different situations. This, of course, is going to be different in every home, depending on where your empathy levels are.
So, how do we do it? Sometimes we find the easiest way is to let PBS raise our kids. Let’s face it, they LOVE those whiny little bald kids and talking animals. They feel like they’re friends of theirs, making whatever is being taught on any specific episode WAY more important than anything we could say to them. So you must, must, memorize some of those songs they sing over and over -“Think about how someone else is feeling”. They understood it coming from Teacher Harriet. So, of course, if you sing her song, you become the expert.
Okay, so we’ve let cartoons handle most of it, with small reinforcements in-between. That’s what really drives it home. Then they start feeling like they’re too big for those shows. Then we need to pick up the pace. Every single opportunity you have to sneak an empathy lesson in there, you have to do it. Here is a real life example of one of those opportunities in our house.
We finished our latest summer read aloud book today – Charlotte’s Web. As I relayed the words of Charlotte’s demise, I am interrupted. “Mommy, are you crying?” Well, of course. So I go on to explain (because they obviously didn’t get it!) that this beautiful soul had moved on from this earth, and her best friend would be without her company. Wilbur would be very sad, and that made me sad. Nothing. I’m thinking, what the hell is wrong with the fruit of my sobbing loins (is that a thing? I dunno.) ??? And wait. Why are they looking at me like that? Are they judging me? I’m losing control of the situation. Let me try something else. “Okay. It’s like Charlotte was the most important Lego in what Wilbur liked to build everyday, but now the Lego piece is lost forever.” Horrified faces. Mic drop.
So, you see, here was chance to teach them a life lesson. I will admit, I had expected going into this book that I may have to have a discussion with them about death. That never seems to come up, and frankly I sleep with one eye open, due to the fact that none of them seem to get the permanence of death, so who knows what they’ll try. But, aside from the fact that I’m worried I’ve given birth to the Menendez brothers, I noticed straight away (I turned British for a second there) that they didn’t seem to feel anything for someone who had lost their best friend. This mainly, I’m sure, is due to the fact that they have never experienced anything even close to that. Slightly due, though, to the whole world revolving around their butt thing. If it’s not what they are feeling, why would anyone else? That’s why we keep teaching. So we don’t send them out into the world as self-involved buttheads.
My kids are actually very sweet, in spite of me ;), so even while not being totally proficient in empathy just yet, they lean more towards it every day. They see a sibling get hurt, they ask if they’re okay, then tell them they remember how much it hurt when that happened to them. They’re getting it. I haven’t totally failed yet.
Do you find empathy to be easy or hard to teach to your children?
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Empathy almost seems like a lost art in this world but we do need to tune into these opportunities when they pop into our lives. I remember when Dakota came home from school saying that she had a boy with autism in her classroom for a couple classes in the day. I was elated to know she could be a part of actually mainstreaming children with disabilities (however behind we remain in this area)! She explained that he had an aide in with him and sometimes he would get really loud when he was frustrated. She said she thought he hated noise but he made most of the noise in the room. She said ” but I promise mommy, I won’t be mean to him”. I thought she said it bc she knows I’ve always worked with people with disabilities but to my surprise, when I asked why she decided that? She said, “I can’t imagine how hard it would be to not like noise. It happens all the time and I think in his mind, it’s really loud and he makes louder noise so he doesn’t have to hear it! He got so mad today, he broke his pencil but I wasn’t afraid, I went over and gave him one of mine and he just stopped being mad”. I told her that was very sweet. She said, “I think people are mean to him all the time and sometimes he needs to know people are nice so he learns to be nice”. Dakota was in like 2nd grade. I was very proud of her and while I did use your blog as an excuse to brag on my daughter, I’m not sure what happened (if anything) prior to that specifically that inspired such concern. I think the second more difficult lesson to teach our children in this crazy world would be that sometimes you can’t sympathize or empathize with everyone but you can respect their feelings and do your best to disagree respectfully without feeling someone has to be right and someone had to be wrong. I did this on my phone, I’m not spell checkin this bitch. I’m out;)
It doesn’t have to be anything specific that happened prior to that for her sweet actions. They pick up on EVERYTHING we do (unfortunately for most of us), so as long as she has empathetic parents, it was soaking in. I like to take any opportunity to point out to them where they should use it, what it means, etc. But, as long as you’re livin’ it, they’re learnin’ it. I agree totally with your statement about not being able to agree with everyone, but wanting to be able to do it respectfully.That is something I’m hoping to address in a future post.Empathy is tricky. It’s supposed to be putting yourself in someone else’s situation and sharing their feelings. To me the “share” part is to try to feel what they’re feeling before making your judgement. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them once you’ve put yourself there,though. Just because I’ve judged someone’s actions, doesn’t mean I haven’t also empathized first. I put myself in their shoes and decided that,yes, my thoughts, feelings,actions, would be different than theirs. To the best of my ability. You can never fully “become” that person. Anyway, brag about your daughter here anytime. This blog is supposed to be an outlet for everybody without anybody getting mean, remember? I even put that in a description or home page or something somewhere. So go for it!
Empathy is crucial to teach these days! What a great lesson to teach, and I love Charolettes Web lol. Isn’t it crazy how Lego’s can be used in so many examples haha.
Legos seem to be the one thing they always understand. I try to remember that every time I step on one!
Many people dont understand the real meaning of empathy. it’s so important to teach this to our kids!
I hear adults all the time confusing it with sympathy. Parts of it are the same, but the most critical part of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes should not be missed. I want my kids to grow up understanding it so they’re not one of those adults!
Believe it or not, a lot of people actually don’t know what empathy is. And I love that you’re starting young with your kids. They might not totally get it yet but I’m sure they’ll get there because of you! 🙂
Belle | One Awesome Momma
We ask them all the time, when talking about one of our family values, if they understand what we’re telling them. They usually say no. The oldest, who is 8, now says yes – with a questioning voice. We tell them that’s why we keep talking about it. Eventually it should all be second nature to them. That’s the plan anyway. 🙂
Teaching children empathy is so important. It allows them to learn at an early stage how to categorize content of emotion. Love this!
It’s a must in our house!
We’re trying to teach this early, seeing something from someone else’s perspective and thinking how they might feel. I think so many adults don’t even know. It’s only now that I realise my Mum will sympathise with someone, but she doesn’t seem able to empathise at all.
I’ve found that especially once we were trying to teach this to our kids, I noticed so much more the others who seem incapable of it.
Oh man my mom and I totally sobbed when we read Charlotte’s Web when I was younger. That’s definitely a good teaching moment. Teaching empathy and realism is really important for our kids.
That story has so many lessons in it – that’s why I love it!