Can’t – miss ideas for your 2018
New Year’s Resolution!
Are you SO excited to leave 2017 behind that you forgot to plan what your 2018 New Year’s Resolution will be? Do you need some new ideas because you fail miserably every year at the same old standard picks? As usual, I’m here to help. 🙂 So finish that box of Dunkin Donuts, grab a beer and a cigarette (remembering to use swear words the whole time), and let’s get to work.
First, I should probably confess that I am, indeed, one of those miserable failures – I mean failer? – every damn year. So, I decided a long time ago that if I want to accomplish something, I should definitely NOT make it my New Year’s Resolution. I carry this concept around with me throughout the year, too. Why start a diet on Monday? You still have all that great weekend food at your house. Wait until Wednesday at 3:30pm. Sneak up on yourself like a ninja. You’ll never see it coming, and won’t have time to plan how to get out of it.
Now that I’ve saved so many lives with that one, I should probably move onto my list. This is my holiday gift to you all. I want you to choose one, or all, and write it out – at least 15 times. It drives the idea into your brain and makes it second nature. Sure, that’s a thing. Or, I just made it up. Still sounds awesome. Make sure you write the words 2018 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION in big letters at the top. This is really just practical advice. You don’t want to find this list in May and think that the words “drink in moderation” was more of a to-do list, encouraging yourself to step up the alcohol intake if you’ve forgotten the resolution part, and actually already achieved cutting back.
Moving on. Pick any or all of these, and I guarantee you will feel you’ve accomplished something by the end of 2018.
#1 TEXT MORE
In this day of needing to type out and post our every thought, I’ve become worried about my friends. Even with the most careful privacy settings, there are still ways to take those thoughts of yours on Facebook and spread it around the world. Play it safe. Just group text all your thoughts to your close friends. They will LOVE that.
This is so simple. We all know you love to take pics of food you’re eating and post them on social media. Kick it up a notch. Take a picture of EVERYTHING you eat. Create an album and title it “Heart Disease”. It’ll be all ready on your phone to brag about to your doctor or personal trainer. This could save you thousands of dollars in unnecessary medical testing.
#3 ENCOURAGE OTHERS
Your family and friends do not know that the bad vices they have are killing them. It is so important that you remind them of the danger of their ways. I personally don’t know a single person who didn’t quit drinking after their aunt showed them a picture of a failing liver. It’ll work every time. See? I’m helping you and the ones you love!
#4 LOSE 1 POUND
I really want you all to feel awesome about yourself and what you’re capable of by the end of the year. So, pretend you’re back in high school. Be one of the high IQ students taking remedial classes so they can fly through with no effort. ANYBODY can lose a pound, so you can, too. I meant, you’re special, and you can do this! Who knows, in your effort to lose 1, you may lose more. If you’re saying to yourself, “But, I don’t have a pound to lose.” – Shut up. Just. Shut. Up.
#5 CHANGE SOMEBODY
Just like I know you’ll succeed in getting someone to quit smoking, I know you can change someone,too. From the significant other that spends more time with friends than you, to the child that is so damn needy, if you just try you can absolutely change them into the person you want them to be! If you haven’t by the end of the year, I hate to break it to you, but – you’re just not
nagging trying hard enough. It is human nature to become a different person due to the wishes of those close to you.
#6 HUG STRANGERS
Face it, folks, we’re getting nowhere in healing our country by all the name-calling and relentless belief-pushing. I’m going to suggest something different. Hug a stranger. It says, I don’t know you, and we may have different values, but I can still love you. Squeeze them tight.Make a noise, too, like “Mmmm”. Then run like hell, because they’re probably totally creeped out and going to call the cops.
I have to say, that I feel really good about being able to help you all out. There isn’t a single thing on this list that you can’t accomplish by February. That leaves you with 11 full months to undo it all.
You’re so welcome.
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