You’re starting to panic. You just realized that you can’t remember the last time he (or she) came home with flowers. Is the romance over? A million things run through your mind.
Someone is to blame
Are we anywhere near the 7 year itch? Actually, that one should probably be addressed by a doctor. Hmm. Maybe we should first think about where to place blame. That is, after all, the cornerstone of all relationships. Is it his fault? Maybe he tricked you for the first year (or 20), and he really was never that sweet. How could you be so fooled? That might be your fault as much as his. Pull your head out of your butt. Oh, or maybe it’s because he’s so GD selfish! He’d rather spend his money on beer, sports thing-ys, guns, strippers – just fill in the blank here with anything stereotypical male. Stereotypes are always spot on! Or, his head is so far up his butt, it just never occurs to him anymore. I’m sure he never even thinks about you. Not once. All day. Bastard.
Wait. Could it be your fault,though? Okay, highly unlikely, but let us spill out the things that might go through your head as you’re wondering what (obviously) went wrong. You’ve aged, you’re out of shape, you have less hair/more hair than you used to, your underwear looks like you got it 10 years ago from goodwill and you potty trained your kids in them. Ahh, you know how I love the graphic!
What if there’s a perfectly good explanation?
So, before you bring out the boxing gloves, or even worse, a nagging and accusatory voice (I’m talking to the guys here), let me make a few suggestions about why everything’s not coming up roses.
#1 You’re broke
Maybe it isn’t that he spent it on all those things you imagine. Maybe things are really tight, and it just doesn’t feel right spending the money.
#2 Hands were full of milk
Do you always ask him to pick shit up on the way home? That can definitely get in the way of presenting you with a bouquet if he has to juggle all your damn errands.
#3 It won’t cover the smell
Does your house smell like kid and dog? Mine does. Why would he want to subject beautiful, innocent flowers to that, knowing they’re defenseless against the odor?
#4 Speaking of odor…
Have you run out of time to even maintain those flowers once you get them? Flowers left sitting in a vase too long without a water change, or especially dead, really can start to smell. Actually, I guess they can finally cover up that gross
kid dog smell.
#5 All the vases are now wineglasses
As life has pushed its bully stress on you, or you have even one flippin kid, the need for a large wine glass can come at any minute. What about that big vase over there? Sure. That’ll work. Really well. I think I’ll just keep it in the cabinet with the wineglasses so I don’t accidentally have flowers in it the next time I have a wine emergency (a.k.a. Fridays).
#6 Everything is great
Well, don’t you feel stupid?! You were so worried that something was wrong, and turns out it’s the exact opposite reason. No apology flowers, no cheer up flowers – if that was the floral rut you had been in for a while, flowers for the hell of it may be deemed confusing. As in….
#7 “What did you do?”
If he’s been bringing them home for every little thing he may have done to upset you, it could be a scary prospect to show up with a beautiful bouquet, not sure if you’re going to throw one of those big wine glasses at him because you’re so sure he must have really screwed up bad.
#8 You’ve already filled all the vases
Is half the decor in your house fresh flowers? Do you pick out just the perfect color for each room while you’re at the store, leaving nowhere to put the dozen roses he brought home for you? Except for that big one. You know. The wineglass. And let’s use an analogy here to explain why he might not feel the need to buy you flowers if you’ve already bought them for yourself: Do you ever turn away his “physical” advances because you know he’s already, um, bought himself flowers?
#9 He knows you better now
Traditionally, every woman loves and wants flowers,right? Maybe. But, as long as that is the acceptable standard, and why not?, flowers make a great offering on a first date, first birthday, Valentine’s Day, stubbing of your big toe, or anything else equally important. It’s a safe bet. But, he knows you better now. If you need cheering up, or a surprise, or an extra “I love you”, he knows so many more things that can make you happy. Jackpot knows that a really good dark, flavored beer will make me smile. He’s been known to pick me up a six-pack on the way home if I’ve been extra down. Maybe you get a ready-made dinner brought home on the busiest night of the week, so nobody has to lose their shit to get everything done. That’s flowers. Or bringing the mail in pre-sorted with the junk already thrown out. That’s flowers. Get it?
#10 Do you even notice?
Okay, so you saw them. You even dumped out (drank) your wine and put them in a vase. But did you say thank you? Like a real thank you? An “I realize you went out of your way to pick these up for me and I know you were looking for the perfect ones. You thought about me the whole time you were buying them and the whole way home, and yet you gave them to me anyway, because sometimes I can be a real shitass” thank you.
This is crazy but – maybe blame no one
So, here are some pretty clear-cut, and totally sane I might add, reasons why he may not bring you flowers anymore. Some are your fault, some are his. Most are just how things can get when you’re busy living. Jackpot was not my muse for this post. He will buy me flowers when I’ve already filled all of the vases, or when we’re broke and he knows I’m going to yell at him. He buys them just because, or with the six-pack of beer when I’m feeling down. And he knows I won’t have time to throw them away until they’re long past dead. Every damn time. It’s because of that, when he hasn’t bought me any in a while, that I know everything is fine.
It doesn’t always have to be a “thing”. Sometimes it’s just life. But, for God’s sake, buy some new underwear!
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