I should probably start off by saying – I am fine. I have to say that because my mother reads this and I don’t want her overly worried. So, I am fine, but I’m not. I mentioned in an earlier elephant post that I felt myself being dragged down into the depression a little while ago. I explained the connection to the diabetes, and how this isn’t new to me. I also said then that I was already feeling better. I spoke too soon. So here I am weeks later, just wanting to get back to my own crazy normal, and I feel like I’m just reaching out for something that is running away from me. It’s a really shitty way to feel. I ask people how to dress for depressed, when I already live in sweatpants. That’s only slightly a joke. I walked to school one day in pajama pants. I have to say, though, that now that I’ve popped that cherry, it may happen even when I’m feeling better. Something else to put in the fat clothes rotation. It’s practical, right? And then there are those moments, talking to a friend, when I feel at least supported. That they get it. Because honestly, so many people don’t. Here’s what they don’t get:
Depression is not just feeling bummed out. I have had the conversation, one too many times, that goes something like this – Me: ” I’m just really struggling right now. I’m battling another bout of depression, and it’s been hard to function.” Them: “Oh, I know, I dropped my phone in the toilet last week and lost all of my contacts. I’ve been so bummed!” I’m no head doctor, so I’m sure I’m going to explain this all wrong, but depression doesn’t need to have bad events in your life (and yes, I’ll include phone in the toilet) to come about. There can certainly be triggers. But, it’s a state of being, even in the absence of any troubles, of overwhelming hopelessness. For me, when I find myself zoned out on a wall, crying, I know I’m there. I know that somebody could swoop in and lighten my load at home, pay off all of my bills, get this f*^#in’ blog going somewhere, get my husband a job that isn’t killing him, and cure my diabetes, and I’m still going to need more than that to come out of it. And I say come out of it, not snap out of it, because that is a huge misconception on the part of people surrounding a depressed person. Telling us why things aren’t really that bad, or if we just smile more? we’ll feel all better can just intensify the feeling of hopelessness – because now you feel like nobody understands. What does it really feel like to be in the middle of it? I’m sure it’s different for everybody. Or, maybe it’s exactly the same. I know that when I climb in bed at night, I cry because I’m already dreading getting up in the morning. I have no energy, no motivation. Everything that I do I am totally forcing myself, and a lot is going undone. For anyone who knows me well, the fact that I haven’t pulled my stove out to sweep under it in three weeks, and I kinda don’t care, is proof that I’m not right. I do still laugh, I can socialize, I spend time with my kids. The difference is, I don’t enjoy… any of it.
So why is this time so much worse for me, that I’m not coming out of it on my own? Not sure. Just like events can be a trigger, I’m sure that some of the shitstorm going on in my life right now is making it hard for any relief. I’ve had it this bad before, and was relieved by some medication. I wish I could tell you that it’s hard to admit that. I know some people don’t want to talk about these struggles they have. I’m admitting it. I got help before and I’m getting help now. I took the first step to recovery a couple of weeks ago and called my doctor. I asked her to call in a prescription for the same medication I took a decade ago. I remember doing well with that, no trouble with side effects (especially weight fluctuation – I don’t need that right now!). A week later, I was feeling a little of the edge come off, but it wasn’t quite doing the job. I started at the lowest dosage, so the doctor said give it a month, and if it’s still not a big enough difference, my dosage can be kicked up a notch. The past week or so I’ve felt myself sliding backwards, so I think that will be necessary. I have to say, too, that therapy would be awesome. Cost and time are definitely an issue there,though.
So has this affected my weight loss? I hate that I have to say yes. I did not even come close to my last goal. I figured I could continue my morning walk with the boys, and that would have to suffice for now, then the bottom of my foot cracked open (ahhh….diabetes). I didn’t even walk the kids to school for a couple of days, then as it improved just a bit I’ve at least been doing the school walk. I know I could find something at home to do with less strain on my foot, I just don’t want to. Totally honest. That lack of “I’m going to do this” is how I know I’m not right. I am trying to make a point of watching what I eat, and feel the slightest bit okay? with the fact that I celebrated my birthday and got through Thanksgiving without gaining a single pound. Even in my thinner days I couldn’t claim that! Although I didn’t lose the 6 lbs, I did lose 1 & 1/2. Sucky. But, it’s something, and like I said in What If?, if I keep at it even when it’s not going great, those small increments will eventually add up. It’s just going to take some patience. And this time around, apparently, some medication. 🙂
Goal: Get “me” back – then the weight will start coming off.
Total Loss: 9.5 lbs
I’ll check back in with you all (for the weight loss journey) in about a month!
Edited to note: It’s more than just having a bad day. You or someone you love may be battling depression, and need support and maybe professional help. Especially this time of year. Not all depressed people feel suicidal, but EVERYONE should have access to this number: 1-800-273-8255 Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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