What if things went differently this time? What if I did them differently? What if I just LOOK at it differently? Then what happens?
All h*ll has broken loose. I guess I should add that it’s not a new way of life for me, so certainly not a big shocker that should make a huge impact on my weight loss journey. It just seemed over the last 2 weeks that all the normal chaos was magnified. I got overwhelmed. And, since I’m not holding much back here on this blog, I also got depressed. This is not new either. It’s one of the many beautiful perks of the diabetes. I can go months, sometimes a year, without it getting to me, then it hits like a brick wall. If you’ve ever experienced it, you know that it’s different than just getting bummed out about stuff. It’s overpowering. And it doesn’t get stopped. It’s coming if it wants to, and it’ll pass if it wants to. I can’t just put on a happy face and try to avoid it. There is usually something to get it rolling,though. For me, the catalyst is always the diabetes getting the better part of me in some aspect of my life. This time it’s been the weight loss. It has just been such a stubborn bitch, getting in my way. So I start to get overcome with all my feelings of hatred for this disease that I in no way asked for, but am stuck with for the rest of my life. If the timing is right (that was delivered with complete sarcasm, by the way), I also will have other major stresses bringing me down at the same time. I fight it with all I’ve got. I know it’s coming and I try to hide. Then I wake up one morning and I just don’t want to get out of bed. I want to curl up in a ball. I just want to cry. In that period of time, I couldn’t even give you a specific reason.
But, I have to get out of bed. The days of being able to call into work sick while I get through it are over. I have to take care of these kids. So I get up and moving. I do what I have to do. I know it will pass, because it always does. Only general things brought this on, or nothing at all, not a horrific event. I’ll wake up one day and feel much better. The focus became just doing what I had to do for a few days. Working out wasn’t it. I know exercise releases bullshit into your ear canal ( I am not a doctor, so I make it up as I go along) that improves your mood. So, I continued my walks. When my friend walked with me I was okay. When I walked with just the 2 boys in the stroller I cried the whole time I was walking. I tried to stick to my diet and didn’t do too bad. Still hitting the 1500 calorie a day mark, although one of those days 930 of them were chocolate. Then, I started to feel better. Told you! But Viggo got a stomach bug, I got it, we didn’t get to walk for a few days. I was scared to see how much weight I may have gained. I was down 1/2lb. I should have been happy. But I got pissed. This is going way too slow! Yes, I kept Hershey in business for a week, but COME ON!
The number isn’t going up,though. And I’m not giving up. Because I started thinking about the WHAT IF? What if I just keep hanging in there, even if I’m not losing as quickly as I’d like? Barely enough to keep me motivated. I’ve succeeded in the past, but this time around (meaning in the last 2 years after baby #4) I’ve let the little slip-ups turn into a landslide. I eventually just quit out of frustration when I was trying but nothing was happening. Then, I’d be ready to try again. I’d think, Shit! If only I hadn’t given up completely. I may not be at my goal weight by now, but at least I wouldn’t have put weight back on, making my challenge even harder. What if I look at it differently? I may not be losing as quickly as I’d like, but what if January 1st comes along and I only have 40lbs to lose instead of 60 plus? Because giving up right before the holidays means I’m sure to gain. And I’m not alone in that. Yes, I’m talking to you.
So, I lost 1/2lb in 2 weeks. That sucks! But, if 1/2 to 1lb is all I lost, every week, or even every 2, I could be down a total of 15lbs from my starting point by the new year. It wouldn’t always be that low, either. That’s just the bad weeks. I’ll have good weeks in there,too! I can actually imagine being down 40lbs by summer! Not my goal weight yet, but I’ll certainly be seeing the light by then. And possibly ready to buy some new clothes.
What if I don’t let this setback make me quit? What if? What if you let every little bit count? How will you feel by the new year, or next summer?
Goal: 3lbs – I must keep aiming high.
Total loss: 6.4lbs
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